you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
