never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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