I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
