I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
