Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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