My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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