mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
