YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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