dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
