I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
