Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
