There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
