I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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