Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
