Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
