when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
