2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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