Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
