im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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