I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
