Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
