God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize