I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I intend to get homeless drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
