It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
