I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
