Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
