if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
