she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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