I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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