he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
