I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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