Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
