ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
