You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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