Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
