very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
