I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
