I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This baby is an asshole
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
