new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
