You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
