This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize