The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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