I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He better not be in your backpack
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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