Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
