every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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