I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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