Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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