Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
