Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Everything about him screamed your future.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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