I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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