so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
