i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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