im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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