i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
