i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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