Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
