I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
