You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
