Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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