She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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